Yes, I 'm Encircled with Dubious Masculinity (part-1)

MP Kharel, Kathmandu

(Mr. Kharel is author of Pustanter, novel in Nepali. Some of his blog articles are here.)

I always wish to be a perfect nature; where I loiter, sojourn, reside; where I inhale or exhale; where I stroll, amble or wander. Being an expected, I was looking for perfect ambiance. A day of the week was in secrecy and bewilderment: Breezy morning for the reason that of last night's heavy raining, twittering birds, jumping calf, scared horses, buzzing flies and fluttering insects and so on. The rainstorms inside my mind in amalgamated and perturbed feeling. 

When I read our English guru Dr. Sanjeev Uprety's article, Definition of Masculinity (Purushwatwa ko Paribhasha), in Kantipur daily I obligated to chew the cud on this subject matter. The reason behind to be a coercive thinker on this topic was: Individually and recurrently, I am censured by effeminacy. Those personae, who point the figure at me, are turned to a blind eye onwards "every individual possesses diversified hobby and curiosity". So I put bona fide approbation on Uprety sir's this reasoning: "However femininity deserves heterogeneous explanation, masculinity also merits sundry and multifarious elucidations (Kantipur: Sept 5, 2009)".

The corporeal conviction of assorted and motley caliber of both femininity and masculinity is germane inference. The Oxford Dictionary illuminates this stereotyped discerning of feminine: "Having qualities or an appearance traditionally associated with women, especially delicacy and prettiness". From this elucidation, we are clarified that to be a woman there must cast a spell over of mentally-indecisive, irresolute, fragility- and physically-pretty, decorative, aesthetic and charming. Femininity is understood as a sexual and funny apparatus of male desires and child bearer machinery-relevant is so consequently-on the patriarchy. But such cognition has been dismantled by today's feminine-consciousness. The modern notion of feminine eligibility is decoded as a legendary ancient Greek warrior woman i.e. Amazon. Accordingly contemporary consideration, those agog women are computed and much hyped who participate at perilous and death-defying deeds. I am not so uninformed with amazonian literary genius like Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Emile Bronte, Simon de Beavoire, Elaine Showalter, and Virginia Woolf, Andrich Rich, Sylvia Plath, Parijat etc. Moreover, several hyped and unshrinking heroines in political credentials are European queen Rosa, Clara Jetkean, Chinese Sun-Ching-Ling, Vietnamese Madam Winh, Indian Indira Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi, and Shrilankan Bandaranaike, Nepalese Motidevi Shreshtha, Shailaja Acharya and so on.

Cognizing several amazonian genius, at times I have to encounter insolent and blasphemous moment. Lashed out  bombardments are annexed with no more than derisive conventionalism, but   my experience is that rationale and objectivity always does not work because of the uncertainty of our existence. When masculinity is understated and minimalized as a monotonous and uniform understanding as a substitute of heterogeneous consideration, my all acquaintance become a mute spectator.  Let me put several unforgettable flashbacks on my pace. 

I was so engaged in writing thesis of Master level in TU. A lady frequently called me to meet her. Her first calling was put aside for the reason that of so pressure of stipulated time to submit my thesis. On the other side, my thesis was ambitious and complicated issue i.e. comparative study on postmodernism and Marxism. Since childhood, I am ambitious temperament so that I would like to impose onwards risky task. Sometimes stubbornness of taking risk incurs brain-teaser and sometimes caters a big opportunity to be acquainted with new experience, new set of ideas and values, which afford a good walk in my living. Chosen of bulky thesis writing was also result of my foolhardy temper. Therefore, I was so parsimonious to meet her. But her regurgitation made me so compulsion to face and talk with her. As a result, I completed my thesis with hustle and bustle.

Wintry season. Champadevi, a hilly region near to Kirtipur, was covered with arctic. Cloudy sky, and dews of frost- enveloped on the roadside of the Kathmandu valley- had made my hands and feet so quivering. In spite of wintry, I arrived in TU on scheduled.

"Why didn't you meet me so regularly?" Her infuriating was echoed in the inception of our meeting.
"I was busy in thesis?" I politely replied.
"None wants to spend so long time in such menial business." Her second echo was also so rudeness and uncompromising.

"Srijana, be cool." I tried to embrace her body.
"Umm...No right...even to touch me." She warned me.
"You should understand my compulsion, Srijana." I requested seriously.
"I don't know your compulsion. But your busy is so dangerous. "She was not still cool.
"How?" I asked.
"Morning shows the day. Do you know?...How can handle your family without concerning? "Her drops of tear were falling down.

"I am sorry; Srijana. I will never repeat such mistake." I tried to wipe out her teardrop.
"You can't wipe out my teardrop in my life." She poked at me with restlessly.
"None is without mistake in the world." I was speaking, but she lambasted me, "You have no quality of manliness...You don't even care your girl-friend..." 

"Please Srijana, academic and creative campaign is not a so easy task...You are the closest intimate, my soul and everything. You should understand my vigorous carrier." I broke her non-stop speaking.
"I don't know your so monotonous and mechanical business. But I knew you can't soothe your wife and siblings in the coming days." Her utterances were really unfeeling and heartless.
"It means...what are you going to suggest me?" I asked.

"Celibacy is your best solution in your life because you can't hold your siblings." Still she was pouring so cruelty and mercilessness.

"If you advice me so, I will marry with my creative and academic business...But it is unfortunate that you can't allow to be a celibacy in my life because you also can't stay spinster." I grinned.
"You're still heedless! How your mind is full of absurdity!" She was completely  turning into stony-hearted.
"Hold your tongue!" I was also distressed, at this moment.
"I have no any concern with you." She was sounding with cutting the teeth.
"Be a cool." I requested again.

"Hold your photo." She threw onwards me an enveloped matter.
"I've no concern...no concern...no concern...."She was reverberating and running away towards Balkhu side.
"Please Srijana...Srijana...Srijana...Listen me ...Listen..." I was frequently praying her miserly.
I was running to   pursue her feet's trace. My walking was on foot; she was driving a bicycle. My big endeavor of accompanying her was metamorphosed into vain and futile for the reason that I was running on a bare and naked foot whereas she was ridding a motorcycle. Shattered and broken-hearted striding of my dwelling on this corporeal had never experienced till such upset. A several weeks and months- dejected and inconsolable happening-loomed as a big hangover. My chore was wasted only with rambling here and there. At this moment, my occupation was nothing more than singing this song:"Nabirse timilai napaye timilai, bina artha dil ma sajaye timilai (I couldn't forget you either or I couldn't acquire you, your furnishing on my soul is futile, futile...)."

Two month passed. Sunless-muddy and murky surrounding. I was reading a newspaper. A newspaper nook was covered with a married couple photo. "Congratulation" title was printed. I felt little bit familiar photo, but not certain. When I subtly looked and read the complete portion of nook, I guaranteed Srijana was married. This newscast nearly repeated the pulling up towards heart-breaking. Her abusive and insulting behavior in the last meeting memorized and encouraged to be a hold myself. But revenging feeling against her cruel manners was not erased from my mind. Humanity feeling always hindered to do so. At last, I set down a message in my mobile's message box. The words were: "...gladdened me to know your nuptial knot. I wish your better life."

To be continued.....

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